THE FOOTSCRAY BOOK OF BOOKS

THE BOOK OF FEARSOME BEAUTY

I

Some plastic surgery

is beautiful

but I am afraid of it

II

A giant squid

is beautiful

but I am afraid of it

III

Turtles

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

IV

A broken heart

is beautiful

but I am afraid of it

V

Tigers

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

VI

Death

is beautiful

but I am afraid of it

VII

Balloons

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

VIII

Giving birth

is beautiful

but I am afraid of it

IX

Lightning

is beautiful

but I am afraid of it

X

Snakes and spiders

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

XI

Sharks

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

XII

My wife

is beautiful

but I am afraid of her

XIII

Abandoned buildings

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

XIV

The deep ocean at night

is beautiful

but I am afraid of it

XV

Moths

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

XVI

Brilliance

is beautiful

but I am afraid of it

XVII

When my daughter is angry

she is beautiful

but I am afraid of her

XVIII

Fire

is beautiful

but I am afraid of it

XIX

Love

is beautiful

but I am afraid of it

XX

Samurai swords

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

XXI

Thunder storms

are beautiful 

but I am afraid of them

XXII

Birds

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

XXIII

My dad

is beautiful

but I am afraid of him

XXIV

The sun

is beautiful

but I am afraid of it

XXV

Peacocks

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

XXVI

My body

is beautiful

but I am afraid of it

XXVII

Waterfalls

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

XXVIII

Sweet voices

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

XXIX

Butterflies

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

XXX

Youth

is beautiful

but I am afraid of it

XXXI

Fish

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

XXXII

Spiderwebs

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

XXXIII

Rose bushes

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

XXXIV

Belly buttons

are beautiful

but I am afraid of them

XXXV

Flying

is beautiful

but I am afraid of it

THE BOOK OF FORGOTTEN NAMES & FAMILIAR FACES

I

Often I speak to 

Jake the fat chef

but I can never remember 

his name.

II

Often I speak to 

a woman at work called Joanna

and another called Suzannah

but I can never remember 

their names.

III

Often I speak to 

a lady with a lilting soft accent

and kind eyes

but I can never remember 

her name.

IV

Often I speak to 

a girl I met in Fiji

but I can never remember 

her name.

V

Often I speak to

a lady with beautiful large eyes

who I call Naomi, or Natalie

but I can never remember 

her name.

VI

Often I speak to

the quiet, passive-aggressively 

ardent lady from the Arts Centre

but I can never remember 

her name.

VII

Often I speak to

the lovely Naomi, 

or Sophie, or Kate

but I can never remember 

her name.

VIII

Often I speak to

a guy who comes into work

who looks like another guy

who comes into work

but I can never remember 

either of their names.

IX

Often I speak to

that guy, with the face

but I can never remember

his name.

X

Often I speak to 

two brothers

of a friend of mine

but I can never remember

their names.

XI

Often I speak to

the guy who lives next-door

but I can never remember

his name.

XII

Often I speak to

my church friends

but can never remember

their names.

XIII

Often I speak to 

Catherine

but I can never remember

her name.

XIV

Often I speak to

Jacky

but I can never remember

her name.

XV

Often I speak to

Dave

but I can never remember

his name.

XVI

Often I speak to 

my friend Mai

but I can never remember

her name.

XVII

Often I speak to

that lovely lady at work

but I can never remember

her name.

XVIII

Often I speak to

Julie

but I always call her

Leanne.

XIX

Often I speak to

Selene

but I can never remember

her name.

XX

Often I speak to

the lady who runs

Happy River Cafe

but I can never remember

her name.

XXI

Often I speak to

Miguel

but I can never remember

his name.

XXII

Often I speak to 

Phong

but I can never remember

his name.

XXIII

Often I speak to

Mark

but I can never remember

his name.

XXIV

Often I speak to

Priscilla

but I can never remember

her name.

XXV

Often I speak to

the guy with the beard

but I can never remember

his name.

XXVI

Often I speak to

Antonella

but I can never remember

her name.

XXVII

Often I speak to

Jay's wife/partner

but I can never remember

her name.

XXVIII

Often I speak to 

Joanna

but I can never remember

her name.

XXIX

Often I speak to

Murray

but I can never remember

his name.

XXX

Often I speak to

various colleagues at work

that sort of look the same

but I can never remember

their names.

THE BOOK OF INSCRUTABLE PLEASURES

I

I like

outer space

but I don't understand it

II

I like

electricity

but I don't understand it

III

I like

digital radio

but I don't understand it

IV

I like

particle physics

but I don't understand it

V

I like

the theory of black holes

but I don't understand it

VI

I like

Chinese custard tarts

but I don't understand them

VII

I like

music

but I don't understand it

VIII

I like

magnetics

but I don't understand it

IX

I like

Twin Peaks

but I don't understand it

X

I like

my husband

but I don't understand him

XI

I like

post-modernism

but I don't understand it

XII

I like

my daughter

but I don't understand her

XIII

I like

cooking

but I don't understand it

XIV

I like

quantum physics

but I don't understand it

XV

I like

the vagina

but I don't understand it

XVI

I like

ballet

but I don't understand it

XVII

I like

being aware of energies around me

but I don't understand it

XVIII

I like

tatoos

but I don't understand them

XIX

I like

Shakespeare

but I don't understand him

XX

I like

the universe

but I don't understand it

XXI

I like

death

but I don't understand it

XXII

I like

my children

but I don't understand them

XXIII

I like

Woody Allen films

but I don't understand them

XXIV

I like

Arabic music

but I don't understand it

XXV

I like

other cultures

but I don't understand them

XXVI

I like

the way flowers open

but I don't understand it

XXVII

I like

modern art

but I don't understand it

XXVIII

I like

the internet

but I don't understand it

XXIX

I like

life

but I don't understand it

XXX

I like

women

but I don't understand them

XXXI

I like

men

but I don't understand them

XXXII

I like

television

but I don't understand it

XXXIII

I like

fractal formations

but I don't understand them

XXXIV

I like

air travel

but I don't understand it

XXXV

I like

butter

but I don't understand it

XXXVI

I like

things that I don't understand

but I don't understand it

XXXVII

I like

not knowing

but I don't understand it

XXXVIII

I like

cheese

but I don't understand it

XXXIX

I like

gambling

but I don't understand it

XL

I like

the sun

but I don't understand it

XLI

I like

dancing

but I don't understand it

XLII

I like

gardening

but I don't understand it

XLIII

I like

the Spanish language

but I don't understand it

XLIV

I like

Korean pop music

but I don't understand it

XLV

I like

Moles

but I don't understand them

XLVI

I like

Astro-physics

but I don't understand it

XLVII

I like

classical music

but I don't understand it

THE BOOK OF IMPROBABLE PLACES

I

I will probably never see

inside a jail cell

II

I will probably never see

Antarctica

III

I will probably never see

the surface of the moon from a spaceship

IV

I will probably never see

the Amazon

V

I will probably never see

down a mineshaft

VI

I will probably never see

New York, Los Angeles and Beverly Hills

VII

I will probably never see

inside my Dad's neighbours garage

VIII

I will probably never see

a peaceful earth, without famine, war or unsustainability

IX

I will probably never see

the Vatican

X

I will probably never see

Nepal, Haiti and Puerto Rico

XI

I will probably never see

the corner of your kitchen cupboard

XII

I will probably never see 

the earth from the moon

XIII

I will probably never see

the african savannah

XIV

I will probably never see

the dark side of the moon

XV

I will probably never see

the inside of an active volcano

XVI

I will probably never see

the Queen's bedroom

XVII

I will probably never see

Easter Island

XVIII

I will probably never see

a crowd of 30,000 cheering for me on stage

XIX

I will probably never see

Paris

XX

I will probably never see

New Foundland

XXI

I will probably never see

Heaven

XXII

I will probably never see

Tibet

XXIII

I will probably never see

Ularu

XXIV

I will probably never see

the Arctic

XXV

I will probably never see

the bottom of my clothes cupboard

XXVI

I will probably never see

Hell

XXVII

I will probably never see

my homeland

XXVIII

I will probably never see

the blue planet, full of craters and waterfalls 

and friendly creatures dancing around

XXIX

I will probably never see

the inside of the building 

in the very centre of Mexico City

XXX

I will probably never see

the view from the Empire State Building

XXXI

I will probably never see

Peru

XXXII

I will probably never see

St. Petersburg

XXXIII

I will probably never see

Alaska

XXXIV

I will probably never see

my own grave

XXXV

I will probably never see

Victoria Falls

XXXVI

I will probably never see

Iran

XXXVII

I will probably never see

Hogwarts

XXXVIII

I will probably never see

the inside of my Dad's heart

XXXIX

I will probably never see

Timbuktu

XL

I will probably never see

Fantine's bedroom

XLI

I will probably never see

Mecca

XLII

I will probably never see

Narnia

XLIII

I will probably never see

the inside of my head

XLIV

I will probably never see

Iraq

XLV

I will probably never see

Disneyland

XLVI

I will probably never see

San Francisco

XLVII

I will probably never see

my funeral

XLVIII

I will probably never see

the Sahara

XLIX

I will probably never see

Palestine

L

I will probably never see

Prince William's underpants

LI

I will probably never see

18th century England

LII

I will probably never see

Guinea

LIII

I will probably never see

America

LIV

I will probably never see

Mordor

LV

I will probably never see

the aurora borealis 

shining over northern Norway 

LVI

I will probably never see

Macchu Picchu

LVII

I will probably never see

Afghanistan

LVIII

I will probably never see

any country in Africa

LIX

I will probably never see

Hogwarts

THE BOOK OF REDUNDANCY

I

I don't need

anti-depressants

anymore

II

I don't need

blame

anymore

III

I don't need

to work

anymore

IV

I don't need

my wisdom teeth

anymore

V

I don't need

chips

anymore

VI

I don't need

my old tracksuit pants

anymore

VII

I don't need

insecurity

anymore

VIII

I don't need

alcohol

anymore

IX

I don't need

stress

anymore

X

I don't need

all of the mugs in my kitchen cupboard

anymore

XI

I don't need

a television

anymore

XII

I don't need

my university books

anymore

XIII

I don't need

invidious people

anymore

XIV

I don't need

food

anymore

XV

I don't need

a barrier around my heart

anymore

XVI

I don't need

my baby teeth

anymore

XVII

I don't need

self-inflicted pain

anymore

XVIII

I don't need

bad dreams

anymore

XIX

I don't need

a broken lawn mower

anymore

XX

I don't need

to be worried about my future

anymore

XXI

I don't need

fear

anymore

XXII

I don't need

crutches

anymore

XXIII

I don't need

birthdays

anymore

XXIV

I don't need

about 15 pairs of my old shoes

anymore

XXV

I don't need

my married name

anymore

XXVI

I don't need

fancy material items

to validate my self-worth

anymore

XXVII

I don't need

my books

anymore

XVIII

I don't need

my rusty old fan

anymore

XXIX

I don't need

baby clothes

anymore

XXX

I don't need

an engagement ring

anymore

XXXI

I don't need

directions

anymore

XXXII

I don't need

validation from others

anymore

XXXIII

I don't need

tampons

anymore

XXXIV

I don't need

self-doubt, self-criticism

and the sense-memory in my body

of the violence it experienced in the past

anymore

XXXV

I don't need

guilt

anymore

XXXVI

I don't need

my boyfriend

anymore

XXXVII

I don't need

catholicism

anymore

XXXVIII

I don't need

a bikini

anymore

XXXIX

I don't need

mascara

anymore

XL

I don't need

my 'thin' clothes

anymore

XLI

I don't need

high school

anymore

XLII

I don't need

to smoke

anymore

XLIII

I don't need

to be married

anymore

XLIV

I don't need

a dummy

anymore

XLV

I don't need

a bicycle

anymore

XLVI

I don't need

a watch

anymore

XLVII

I don't need

morning tea

anymore

XLVIII

I don't need

a panel van

anymore

XLIX

I don't need

my virginity

anymore

L

I don't need

my maternity clothes

anymore

LI

I don't need

a VHS player

anymore

LII

I don't need

anger

anymore

LIII

I don't need

ego

anymore

LIV

I don't need

this rotten car 

with no air-conditioning

anymore

LV

I don't need

regrets

anymore

LVI

I don't need

financial comfort

anymore

LVII

I don't need

my ex-partner

anymore

LVIII

I don't need

the approval of others

anymore

LIX

I don't need

my primary school uniform

anymore

LX

I don't need

button-up boots

anymore

LXI

I don't need

to be pushed in a pram

anymore

LXII

I don't need

precious things

anymore

THE BOOK OF SKEPTICS

I

I've been told

this book is valuable 

and will make my world better

but I don't believe it to be true

II

I've been told

that fairies exist

but I don't believe it to be true

III

I've been told

that true love exists

but I don't believe it to be true

IV

I've been told

an old dog can't learn new tricks

but I don't believe it to be true

V

I've been told

that I will go to hell

but I don't believe it to be true

VI

I've been told

that there is democracy

but I don't believe it to be true

VII

I've been told

you can achieve anything 

if you put your mind to it

but I don't believe it to be true

VIII

I've been told

we should allow for everything to be true

but I don't believe it to be true

IX

I've been told

it's not the size

it's what you do with it

but I don't believe it to be true

X

I've been told

I will be alright

but I don't believe it to be true

XI

I've been told

my old school is haunted

but I don't believe it to be true

XII

I've been told

that human nature is greedy and cruel

but I don't believe it to be true

XIII

I've been told

that politicians stand for election

because they want to help people

but I don't believe it to be true

XIV

I've been told

love lasts forever

but I don't believe it to be true

XV

I've been told

that worrying about people I love 

won't keep them safe

but I don't believe it to be true

XVI

I've been told

that the communion host 

actually becomes the body of Christ

but I don't believe it to be true

XVII

I've been told

that if there is love

there is a way to resolve everything

but I don't believe it to be true

XVIII

I've been told

that everything happens for reason

but I don't believe it to be true

XIX

I've been told

mood and atmosphere are everything

but I don't believe it to be true

XX

I've been told

that cold weather

does not cause the common cold

but I don't believe it to be true

XXI

I've been told

Jesus loves me

but I don't believe it to be true

XXII

I've been told

that one God

is better than another

but I don't believe it to be true

XXIII

I've been told

that fungus is O.K

but I don't believe it to be true

XXIV

I've been told

that Bryan Adams handed back

his Canadian citizenship

but I don't believe it to be true

XXV

I've been told

that people can read my mind

but I don't believe it to be true

XXVI

I've been told

that growth is forever

but I don't believe it to be true

XXVII

I've been told

"it's free"

but I don't believe it to be true

XXVIII

I've been told

"I'll help you"

but I don't believe it to be true

XXVIX

I've been told

that life is like a box of chocolates

but I don't believe it to be true

XXX

I've been told

that cat's won't run away 

when you move house 

if you put butter on their paws

but I don't believe it to be true

XXXI

I've been told

that God exists

but I don't believe it to be true

XXXII

I've been told

that the economy is in trouble

but I don't believe it to be true

XXXIII

I've been told

that the government is clever

but I don't believe it to be true

XXXIV

I've been told

that the mind has the answer

but I don't believe it to be true

XXXV

I've been told

that increasing the wealth of the wealthy

increases the wealth of the poor 

but I don't believe it to be true

XXXVI

I've been told

that people don't deserve a second chance

but I don't believe it to be true

XXXVII

I've been told

about life after death

but I don't believe it to be true

XXXVIII

I've been told

penguins can't fly

but I don't believe it to be true

XXXVIX

I've been told

that true love doesn't exist

but I don't believe it to be true

XXXX

I've been told

that there are dragons

but I don't believe it to be true

THE BOOK OF DISAGREEABLE ODOURS

I

I am sickened

by the smell of

nail-polish remover

II

I am sickened

by the smell of

petrol

III

I am sickened

by the smell of

eggs

IV

I am sickened

by the smell of 

bacon

V

I am sickened

by the smell of

alcohol on someone's breath

VI

I am sickened

by the smell of

Vicks

VII

I am sickened

by the smell of 

the meat works

VIII

I am sickened

by the smell of 

aero-planes

IX

I am sickened

by the smell of 

soap

X

I am sickened

by the smell of 

flowers

XI

I am sickened

by the smell of 

wafers

XII

I am sickened

by the smell of

feet

XIII

I am sickened

by the smell of 

chemical cleaning compounds

XIV

I am sickened

by the smell of 

fried vegetables

XV

I am sickened

by the smell of 

the Mobil refinery

XVI

I am sickened

by the smell of

rock-melon

XVII

I am sickened

by the smell of 

dill

XVIII

I am sickened

by the smell of 

industrial rubbish bins

XIX

I am sickened

by the smell of 

marzipan

XX

I am sickened

by the smell of 

mulled wine

XXI

I am sickened

by the smell of 

fish guts

XXII

I am sickened

by the smell of 

salmon

XXIII

The smell of

patchouli oil

makes me feel sick.

XXIV

I am sickened

by the smell of 

fried field mushrooms

XXV

I am sickened

by the smell of 

anaesthetic

XXVI

I am sickened

by the smell of 

dead echidna

XXVII

I am sickened

by the smell of 

gas

XXVIII

I am sickened

by the smell of 

failure

XXIX

I am sickened

by the smell of 

farts

XXX

I am sickened

by the smell of 

vomit

XXXI

I am sickened

by the smell of 

deodorant

XXXII

I am sickened

by the smell of 

beef mince being cooked

XXXIII

I am sickened

by the smell of 

sushi

XXXIV

I am sickened

by the smell of 

overripe bananas

XXXV

I am sickened

by the smell of 

acrylic nail salons

XXXVI

I am sickened

by the smell of 

men's urinals

XXXVII

I am sickened

by the smell of 

his aftershave

XXXVIII

I am sickened

by the smell of 

beer

XXXIX

I am sickened

by the smell of 

rubber

XL

I am sickened

by the smell of 

greasy food

XLI

I am sickened

by the smell of 

duck fat

XLII

I am sickened

by the smell of 

rotten potatoes

THE BOOK OF FAREWELLS

I

Bye bye my love.

II

'till next time.

III

C ya.

IV

I have to go . . .

V

It was nice seeing you.

VI

(A big smile)

goodbye.

VII

Paalam!

VIII

(with a crying face)

I love you.

IX

God bless, take care.

X

See you in the next life.

XI

(Middle finger up

at the traffic lights)

XII

Ciao bella

XIII

(Just stop talking,

pretend they have fallen off

like a frozen wart)

XIV

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Goodbye.

XV

Goodbye

(Hug the person 

and say a prayer

for their happiness

and well being)

XVI

(Put you hand in the air,

bend your elbow, like 

your giving someone a high five,

and move your hand to the right and then to the left)

Bye bye.

XVII

See you next time!

XVIII

(A big kiss!)

XIX

Sayonara

XX

I love you

(Peck on the cheek 

and a proper cuddle).

XXI

Smell ya later.

XXII

CUL8R

XXIII

K, L8R

XXIV

So long.

XXV

(Take the other person's hand,

shake and extend into a hug,

kiss once or twice, depending

on the level of intimacy).

XXVI

Hug & hug & hug

XXVII

Keep it kooky!

XXVIII

Shoo!

XXIX

Toodles.

XXX

Toodle pip.

XXXI

See you when I'm lookin' at you!

XXXII

Haste ye back.

XXXIII

Toodle loo.

XXXIV

Next time!

XXXV

Seeya later alligator.

XXXVI

Don't forget me.